Very In-Depth Review of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

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Pirates of the Caribbean is very important to me. Unfortunately it is so important that I had to see this even though Johnny Depp is The Worst. Fortunately though, I had a darn good time? If you haven’t seen any of the other movies in the series, don’t worry, because this one is the four previous movies combined into one. Because of this it was both very good and very bad at the same time. Fortunately, I like very bad things so I also enjoyed that it was very bad. Unfortunately, it was bad both in fun ways and in not-fun ways. I enjoy the tackiness of just repeating all the stuff you already did in the other movies. I do not enjoy sitting through two hours of Johnny Depp phoning it in while everyone else around him is actually acting. I do not enjoy looking at INSANELY GOOD special effects that obviously cost MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, while Johnny Depp is also on the screen. I also do not enjoy TERRIFYING CGI BABY JOHNNY DEPP, or the knowledge that someone had to spend many hours and many dollars making the TERRIFYING CGI BABY JOHNNY DEPP. How I pity all who were involved. Fortunately though, you can rest easy because though he was not featured in any of the trailers, Orlando Bloom is definitely in the movie. And Paul McCartney is there too because for some reason everyone else in Captain Jack’s family except for him is a famous musician? Thank goodness some talent made its way into this film.

Everything except Johnny Depp: 8/10

Johnny Depp: will hopefully move to the sewers eventually.

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